wait for me
by CATPARADE
Summary: KanbaXShoma; episode 23. with shoma down, kanba takes some time to reflect.   rated for the smut!


**A/N:**_ I'VE YET TO SEE ANYTHING RATED M ON HERE SO I WANTED TO COMBO BREAK THIS SHIT. HEH._

_anyways crossposted from my TUMBLA!_

_KanXSho, directly after Kan shoots Shoma._

_..._

_"__Shoma… I've always… I've always wanted to do this to you."_

Kanba pulled the trigger with so little effort it seemed unreal. In one moment, he held this stranger— his once-brother— and in then the next, he had unfurled his arms and pushed him back.

Shoma staggered, the soles of his shoes beating at the ground with two thumps and then a thud before he fell forward like a beanstalk's giant. The glass scattered as his knees hit the ground and as his head and face followed, a truck cut from below. The headlights caught the falling snow and fallen glass: a momentary flash and the room became washed in pale blue and faint pink and all the shadows grew longer, darker.

By the time the shadows reshifted and redimmed, the stage had become still.

Two had slumped over itself. One rubbed its beak and leered.

Kanba regarded first Himari who slept, and her life monitor which beeped every odd minute and whose plain green and orange and purple line lines came deathly close to flat.

* * *

><p><strong>FLASHBACK<br>**** KANBA  
><strong> AFTER SCHOOL  
>AT HOME<br>_ Himari in tears. I don't know what to do. But, why is it that Shoma…_

* * *

><p><em>"<em>_You're really good at that kind of stuff." he wanted to say. "Thanks"_

_The words remain at the base of his throat, blocked by a sense of jealous pride and helpless self-loathing. Acting came easily so long as it remained physical. He could easily out-run Shoma, could easily tear off the other boy's arms and render him into flesh dust if he really wanted. It was just… the important things during the most intimate moments where his brother bested him; this fact being as plain as her tears when she tried to smile and wish them a good day at school, and all the more painstaking when it was Shoma who reacted first, taking her by the shoulders and leading her back._

_The other boy stepped from Himari's room. In the background her sobs had subsided to a tentative calm; with an eraser in hand and some pink ribbons in the other, she had taken to simply staring out the window. Kanba moved toward her. _

_The door closed. "She's a little better," Shoma said quietly. His bangs obscured most of his face and the blue of his lashes obscured most of the green in his eyes. "I'll make her soup today."_

_Kanba sufficed an unpoetic nod, and as Shoma dipped into the kitchen and did just that, he found that his nail had pressed so hard into his palms it had begun to hurt_.

* * *

><p>He let out a long breath and looked away.<p>

Kanba can run for forever, throw his fists through and into anything. Kanba could—and would— render the world into ash in her name.

Still, he knew deep within his half-charred heart, this would not make him any better than Shoma. Shoma was kind, and kindness like love was not something that could be bought with force. Bitterly, he turned to the other boy and crouched.

With his free hand, Kanba took him by the shoulder and turned him over. Shoma barely breathed beneath his palms and his eyes were as dull as frosted window glass. They shifted and focused on him; the tips of his fingers twitched and he was so weak, so pathetic at this point it made him sick to his stomach that he could envy such a person.

Another breath and it hung briefly in the air, leaving just as it started to overstay its welcome.

* * *

><p><strong> <strong>FLASHBACK<br>******** KANBA  
><strong>** LATER THAT NIGHT  
>OUR ROOM<br>_ Who does Himari love more? The thought slips suddenly and he says…_

* * *

><p><em>"<em>_She loves us both. Equally. We're family."_

_Kanba hadn't expected Shoma to hear him above the drone of the TV. He shifted onto his side and made a face at the other boy's back. "It's not families that die and go to heaven together, Shoma. Soulmates do that. Her heart string can only be connected to one other pinkie!" He wiggled the finger in indignation and huffed._

_"__I don't think it's that way at all…" Shoma turned his head. From that angle, he must have appeared upside down. A bit of static flitted across the screen; an exhibit at the aquarium had opened apparently. Otters. Maybe they'd go someday soon._

_"__Then… what _**_do_**_ you think?" And since when had Shoma been holding that apple?_

_"__That… nobody is unimportant." The smaller boy gripped the fruit and flopped over. "That's what I think. You can't disregard one person for another, even if they are a 'soul mate.' It's cruel. Himari isn't like that. I don't think fate—or whoever ties these strings together— is like that either." _

_"__Huh."_

_As a child, he couldn't believe it— or, rather, he didn't want to, because it had been Shoma who had said these adult things, and not Mom or Dad or even Uncle Ikebe. Whether or not the statement in itself was true…_

_The apple lay now in his lap. Shoma had already left._

* * *

><p>Kanba pulled at his collar and then his belt.<p>

The plastic and leather came undone too easily.

Shoma's skin was as soft as Himari's and the shape of their faces were about the same as well. If someone hadn't known any better, that person might have thought they were really related.

From beneath the other boy shivered and made to huddle into himself, and his mouth moved without producing any sound. Kanba took one wrist and the opposite shoulder, leaning and pushing into the cold and naked skin. Shoma didn't even have the energy to recoil from the sudden force and weight.

Then, as Kanba's hands moved downward— the wrist hand onto his jaw, the shoulder hand onto his side, Shoma's body froze.

Kanba felt his teeth grit. Nonetheless, he lowered his head.

And slowly, his lips pressed onto Shoma's. Then, again and again as if to be sure; the third time, Kanba's fingers moved into Shoma's scalp, lifting and tilting his head just so his tongue could slip into the other's mouth. Shoma groaned and shuddered.

Kanba felt his face grow so hot it was unbearable. He needed to stop.

He let the other boy's head fall back. Both arms wrapped around his chest and squeezed him; Kanba felt the bit of warmth from his body through the fabric of his plain black shirt. His skull rested at Shoma's neck, and the side of his nose touched at the bony underside of his jaw. His lips touched at the other's throat, but he kept the distance just so this one did not count as a kiss.

It was Himari he needed to save and Himari who _he_ loved most of all, was it not? So all he needed, all he wanted was…

He slid back and hauled Shoma onto himself; the other boy's arms fell limp over his shoulders, and his legs splayed over his lap. His hands trailed downward. One remained at the back of his head, the other over Shoma's cock.

He closed his eyes and sighed into his shoulder. In spite his love for Himari and envy of this person in his arms—

No_. _

_In addition_ to his love for Himari and that initial envy:

He pushed Shoma down, gripping his hair. "Shoma…" There came a gasp in response. Shoma writhed in his arms and by merit of reflex, he bent his knees and made to move away. Kanba held him tighter; in this position, he looked into the darkness. Shoma probably too, and for this Kanba was glad.

"I love you too, you know."

"K-Kan… ba…" At the last syllable he thrust upward, cutting off whatever Shoma wanted to let out. "Ssh…" He pushed himself in deeper and deeper, almost relishing in the way Shoma convulsed around him. He felt some moisture through the fabric of his shirt. Tears or spit. Maybe.

He began to stroke at Shoma's cock, pulling in time with the even rhythm. "It'll be okay…"

His fingers uncurled themselves and trailed over Shoma's back, feeling at the bumps of his spine. "I love you."

The pushing became harder and more feverish, not minding the scummy remnants of guilt that clung like old salt and soap at the back of his mind. He thrust again and he wondered how much easier, how much happier they'd all be if the scenery of the world had been different even by just a little.

Things were not right as they were; himself and Shoma on a glass covered ground, and Himari near dead. But, he knew he could change the destination of their fate, if not for himself then for the both of them.

His head sunk into the curve where Shoma's shoulder met his neck. Shoma breathed through his mouth, heaving as the air caught in his throat. "So…

* * *

><p><strong>WAIT FOR ME<strong>


End file.
